She's Just Not That Into You

Lately, I’ve run into the issue of putting my male acquaintances into the well known and often dreaded “friend zone”. If you’ve ever seen the film, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” you might agree that it only really addresses the male aspect of rejection. So for all my single girls who WANT to stay that way for now, I decided to brainstorm a few ways for the ladies to let the boy “friends” off easy…and on the other hand notify the a-holes of the world that no sane girl would touch them with a ten-foot pole.

There are a few steps in deciding whether a boy belongs in the FZ or whether you should take a chance. Here are the steps to start figuring that out:

Step 1: Decide if the guy is friend material you want to keep. This only applies if it is a short-term male acquaintance.

Step 2: Make a choice to keep him in the F.Z., move onward and upward intimately, or simply drop him

Step 3: Respond with rejection or adaptation to your emotions

THE FRIEND ZONE: TACTICS 

Tactic A: The “Imaginary” Boyfriend

Scenario: The boy is staring deep into your eyes and all you can think about is the meatball sub sandwich waiting for you at home (clearly a sign of disinterest). He looks like he’s about to say something meaningful and/or complimentary. You carry on with light conversation and casually drop the next line amidst all the tension. “Oh my god, Jerry. I had so much fun today, I loved that smoothie we bought together. I can’t wait to find the recipe so I can make it for my boyfriend.” Or if he has some article of clothing on that you like, there’s always the casual, “Wow. Look at that watch. I love it, my boyfriend has one just like it. Great taste, Jerry.”

Tactic B: The “Unmentionables”

Scenario: No boy on any continent, or any universe, for that matter, cares to hear about bodily functions and their effects on women. Therefore, a clever technique to make sure a man knows he’s in the good old friend zone is to talk to him about what you just told your best girlfriend. For example, “My god, I wish someone would just rip out my uterus. It’d be a lot less painful than getting my damn period.” Or the infallible, “Can you be a sweetheart and grab me a tampon out of the drawer?” Ultimately, the above statements are number one turn-offs for all the horny guy friends who think they have a chance to get in your pants. Secondly, it lets them know that you’re comfortable with sharing emotions and other crass subjects with them. The major groups that tend to discuss these subjects are FRIENDS, FAMILY and MARRIED COUPLES. Since this boy is obviously neither of the latter two, he must now be classified as a friend and you have nothing to worry about.

Tactic C: The Bear Hug

Scenario: If you really care about the guy as a friend and he means a lot to you (therefore you don’t want to lose him), there’s an easier way to let him down. This applies mainly to long-term friendships. If he seems like he’s leaning towards something more than giving you a hug and is stroking your arm in a way that your Grandma Gemima would frown upon, take control by dodging any facial contact. If he reaches in closer to your face, shrink down to his lower chest and grab him into a sloppy bear hug. Do not, by any means, allow your lower body areas to touch. This can cause chaos and mixed messages. At this moment, speak loudly at him (any whispering or low voice can appear seductive) and claim, “I’m SO GLAD we’re FRIENDS, Jerry. You are the greatest.” Pat him on the back and buddy old pal will get the picture.

The “Others”

So what the hell do we do with the slimy guys who under the impression they can get any girl they want, any time of the day, any place, any where a.k.a. the “salt of the earth” boys who are really the “scum of the earth?” Ladies. You must throw them into oblivion, in the no-go zone, in the “you couldn’t tap this even if we were the last two people on earth” place.

Here are a few one-liners to get you on top of your A-Game in the REJECTION SECTION:
If he tries to get your number:

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"


Woman: "It's in the phone book."


Man: "But I don't know your name."


Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

If he calls you a bitch for ignoring him: “I know the difference between being a bitch (taking no unwarranted shit) and being an asshole (dishing out unwarranted shit).”

If he says something about your looks or weight use either 1. «I can get skinny for free, but you are going to need about 10 grand to fix your face.» or 2. «I'm drunk right now, but in the morning, I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly.»

If he isn’t attractive to you but seems to think he is: “You smell like my Grandpa Joe. Not to mention you even resemble him in a way. How’d you do that?”

If he starts to get all up on you at a dance and you try to pull away (with no luck): Grab your nearest girlfriend, whisper to her to play along and look at the guy stating loudly, “This is my girlfriend of 6 months. She’s not appreciating you grinding on me, and neither am I. Not to mention, she’s a lot prettier than you are, honey. See ya!”

My lovely ladies, hope that helped. I also recommend reading some of the quotes on this site for some insight into the minds of truly heartless bitches who have something to say about the rude/cocky men of the world: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/heartless/collected_quotes.shtml

Ivory Dilley 

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