If I Did It This is How it Happened: Arnold Schwarzeneggar

January 1997: I remember it like it was yesterday. My publicist had recently restricted me from going to strip clubs, for fear of my attained fame drawing too much attention. I had been a married man for 11 years. I was worth millions of dollars that could ruin my name if I spent it all on high-priced hookers and cocaine. I needed other outlets; my accent and fame had always allowed me to have my way with women, even if I just wanted to caress them.

It was two months after I finished shooting "Batman & Robin", which was to be released that following June. So, that means it had been a whole two months since I was able to put my hands on the random movie extras and young actress’ with not nearly enough experience to know better. I was bottled up!

I found myself in my mansion, making eyes at the housekeeper in ways I never had before. My wife was at the grocery store, and the kids were away (I don’t remember where). But, as my housekeeper Mildred was in between her daily duties, I came up behind her and kissed her neck, like I had always done to let women know they had caught my eye.
She responded in shock at first but what was she going to do? I’m The TERMINATOR! Plus, I had caught her more than once playing around in our master closet and trying on my wife's jewelry and clothes. I knew what she wanted. I took her hand and lead it to where I wanted. She dropped down to the floor, without another thought, and proceeded to unbutton my pants. As soon as she laid hands on me and licked her lips, in walked in my wife. Mildred fled into the kitchen as I struggled to pull my pants up with as much dignity as I could muster. Luckily I buckled them before my wife entered the room.

I was still pretty heated and under the gun, however, you understand, so I had no choice but to pretty much tackle my wife as she walked in the door and carry her up to the bedroom. And, as married people do, we made love. She had been hinting that she wanted another child, so in my guilt-stricken state, I figured, what better time than this. I released my Austrian pieces inside of her. The seed was planted for what would be our fourth child, Christopher. The next day I went away on a promotional trip for my new movie.

I returned a week later to an empty house. Or so I thought. I walked into my room and there she was: Mildred, laying ever too comfortably on my bed. She even had the nerve to look at me like I was the intruder! Being the horny man I am, when she was about to get up, I came up with a better Idea. I proposed sex, she said yes, and I showed her the Terminator. That was it; we had sex.

One month later, I found out my wife was pregnant. This news brought us so much joy, I thought nothing could ruin it. However, two weeks later, Mildred shared the same news. Like an ignorant fool, I congratulated her, figuring it was the product of her and her long-time boyfriend. A month before Mildred gave birth, she told me there was a chance the baby could be mine. I panicked at first, but eventually I did what I had to do: I paid her, upwards of five digits, but made sure to keep her close by to ensure she was keeping her part of the deal: shutting up. Come September, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and so did Mildrid, about a week later. I was overjoyed with the new addition to our family, and reveled in knowing that no one knew the wiser, or so I thought.

(This has been a fictional re-enactment from the minds of Wadido LA writers on the events which have recently taken place involving Arnold Schwarznegger, Maria Shriver, and his housekeeper and love child. The above story does not claim to represent the actual thoughts and actions of Arnold in any way.)